Nightmare Result: A review of Nightmare Assault
by KSlycke
Summary: In time for Halloween. This is the one that started it all. What happens when Low Light reviews it? Humor


GI Joe: Nightmare Result

A review

The scene starts with Lifeline and Iceberg in the middle of a snow storm. Pixel snowballs are thrown at the screen. Lifeline and Iceberg lay on the ground.

Lifeline: Finally a starring role!

Everyone: Without Bree this time!

Lifeline: Ugh don't remind me. Really a solid gold helicopter?

Low Light: At least you got some.

Lifeline: We were playing pinochle!

Beachhead: So was I!

Low Light: Yeah. Sure.

Snake Eyes: *Not me. I was having sex*

He didn't bother to deny it.

Everyone: [munch munch munch]

The camera goes back to the screen.

Iceberg: Hang on Lifeline here comes the real action.

Everyone: [munch munch munch]

Icewberg:

"You gotta kill that thing Lifeline!"

He slept on the ground.

"Ugh!"

Iceberg: How do you like my death scene? It was all very dramatic.

Lifeline: What with the inflatable Cobra? Sure no problem!

He poked it with a stick.

Lifeline: I killed rubber duckies the same way.

Iceberg: You were supposed to have a conflict of interest between your pacifism and saving my life!

Lifeline: Oh. Well. It sucks to be you in this episode Iceberg. My bad.

Low Light: Shut up. Here comes my part.

Everyone: [munch munch munch]

Lifeline: La la la la la

He goes into the rec room and turns off the TV.

Low Light: I was watching that.

Lifeline: You and your porn. How can you stand it?

Low Light: You make due. You have no choice.

Wait! You meant the nightmares?

Lifeline: I read your medical files. It says you have them every night.

Low Light: You're still talking about nightmares right?

Lifeline: Of course. What else would I be talking about?

Everyone: [munch munch munch]

Hawk: Hey it's my turn!

They protect an oil rig in the middle of the Gulf

A giant inflatable snake appears.

Hawk screams like a girl.

Lifeline: Let me! I'll poke it with a stick.

Low Light: You scream like a girl.

Hawk: its alll my fault! I led them to their deaths!

He runs out moving his hands up and down.

His legs kick sideways.

Waaahh!

Lady Jaye: "Morning, Low-Light. How's it going?"

Low Light: You don't want to know.

Lady Jaye: You really need to get some Low Light.

shrugs

Oh well.

La la la la la

Hawk: I feel like egg stew.

Lady Jaye: What the hell is egg stew?

Hawk: I had a nightmare.

Lady Jaye: So did I! But then it turned into porn. I was naked and there was Flint and Falcon….

Everyone: [munch munch munch]

An alarm sounds

Everyone: Dammit!

Hawk: The Dreadnoks are on the oil platform! No heroics!

The Joes: We're real American Heroes though!

The Dreadnoks fight until Buzzer blows up a Cobra balloon.

He has really good lung capacity.

The Dreadnoks: We baked more than a cake for you Joes.

Yeah we wake and bake every morning.

Anyone have Cheetos?

The inflatable Cobra waves in the wind like those arm guys at used car lots.

Lifeline: Please can I poke it with a stick?

Hawk shoots it with plane.

Lifeline: GODDAMMIT!

Dr Mindbender: Tee hee hee. I made Hawk stop at the sight of an inflatable snake!

He holds a hand puppet in the air.

It makes kissy sounds.

Hawk: pissing and moaning about his lack of sleep.

Lifeline: Yours is the twelfth complaint I've heard all day. Quit being a whiney bitch and get some balls. I haven't slept in five days myself cry baby.

Meanwhile Iceberg and his girlfriend are at the drive-in

Everyone: munch munch munch.

Iceberg's girlfriend: Oh you are one hot date uh huh. You make me so horny.

Iceberg: That is a really shitty island accent. Good bye cruel world.

Rests his head on the horn.

Shit you can't kill yourself with a steering wheel.

Hawk: We have to stay fit to fight dream pseudo imaginary fake man-made inflatable cobras!

He does one chin up and collapses.

Shit I'm out of shape.

The rope turns into a snake. Hawk screams like a girl.

Low Light: You still scream like a girl.

The night goes on until 03:45.

Wet Suit: I just played that card!

Leatherneck: Pinochle!

They fight.

Oooch, Owe, Daggummit, slap-a slap-a slap

They hold their heads back with their eyes closed as they windmill at each other.

Cross Country: Heyyy….heyyy, you guys….you guys…stop….stahhhppp….

Low Light: Cool it now. You got to cool it now. Watch out. You're gonna lose control.

Cross Country: Is that New Edition?

Low Light: They can't handle it like I do.

Cross Country: Yeah seriously it's been eight months. No one can handle that.

Low Light goes to a tree where he dreams.

He's in a junkyard.

His father orders him to kill twenty rats.

Low Light's dad: You're a coward Cooper!

Low Light: I'm not a coward dad!You gotta be tougher than that. I'm not a wimp anymore! I'm a G. - and nothing stops a G.I. Joe! NOTHING!"

He runs off.

His hands move up and down in the air.

His legs kick sideways.

Waaaah!

Dr Mindbender: Low Light is resisting the Sombombulator Serpentor!

Serpentor: Huh?

It's after Low Light's nightmare.

He comes to breakfast with a smile on his face.

Beachhead and Snake Eyes knuckle punch

Beachhead: Whooo hoo looks like someone finally got some!

Low Light: I had a good dream last night.

Everyone: [munch munch munch]

Beachhead: Spare me the details.

Low Light: I beat some snakes and won!

Beachhead: Yeah you beat your snake but we don't have to hear about it.

Hawk: Low Light knows how to beat it!

Everyone: [munch munch What?!]

Hawk: The nightmares! Low Light is used to having nightmares. He can save us!

Lifeline agrees to hook up Low Light to a dream machine.

It works in cartoons.

Low Light goes to sleep.

He snores.

Everyone was stuck in their nightmares.

Low Light: Yeah suck it up.

An inflatable Cobra appears

Hawk: If we hold hands we can defeat it!

Beachhead: I'm not holding hands.

Lifeline: Let me poke it with a stick.

Dr Mindbender appears.

Low Light comes charging in on rat shaped cars.

Low Light: I'll show you the stuff nightmares are made of!

Everyone: [munch munch munch]

Low Light: For one that gay looking chainmail!

Mindbender: It's not gay!

Low Light: Just saying not accusing.

He grows in height.

Low Light: I'm the one in control here!

Dr Mindbender: I didn't know you liked Alice Cooper Cooper.

Low Light: I wasn't named after Gary Cooper. I was named after Alice Cooper.

picks up a disc and throws it at Mindbender.

Mindbender: Did you just hit me with a urinal cake?

Low Light: It was the only thing I could think of at the time.

Welcome to _my _nightmare!

Mindbender: Urinal sanitation?

Nooooo!

He disappears.

The rest of the Joes wake up.

Hawk: Ugh I had the worst dream.

Beside him Low Light was in bed.

He pup tent.

Lifeline: Don't wake him up. It's the first decent sleep he's had in years."

Hawk: Uh yeah I can see that.

And while he sleeps, a small smile appears on Low-Light's face.

The End

Nightmare Result


End file.
